I Love White People

skin blisters to the sound of
names we thought we
forgot

December ossifies.

crystalline fragments of
pastpresentfuture
memories
congealed into
crusted bloody bits
we breathe through smoky nostrils

endeavor to abandon thoughts of
crisp nights and aluminum siding

and names we thought we forgot

shivering,
we blame it on the weather

Things that have made me happy recently:

becoming an associate copy editor for the paper - purple christmas lights - black and white cookies - all those times I didn't have my fingers slammed in a window - love - terrible eating habits - emdashes - the way all of my important food groups (pasta, potatoes, and cheese) are present in one little pierogie - hanging out with tina before she leaves me for another continent - the large penguin I stole from the dining hall - the little booth I adopted in Avery Library - desktop post its - m-w.com - going home in 9 days FOR A WHOLE MONTH

feeling warm and fuzzy, even in the midst of such stressful times

And there were swings.
Cry all night for sake of
sobs soaring through starry skies
and there were swings
once
when it snowed and we
couldn’t feel our toes
our lack of warmth
distracting lack of indifference

music blaring
hubcap losing
paying quarters to beach meters
so we could stay
and sell our thoughts to the atlantic
but we still couldn’t feel our toes
and we wished we couldn’t feel anything

we were that light in the sky that night

count the times we sang along
to soundtracks of our lives
laboriously picked for melody
never in key, but always in tune
to the rhythm of each other’s hearts

And there were swings

for blowouts and breakups and confusion strewn with tremulous lack of character and every bad decision we ever made and all the options to make them right we didn’t take and however many times our hearts broke at 2 am with shards still stuck in the chains and every time we said “I love you” and meant it and every time someone said it back and didn’t and all those times we wished that we could run away

together

And I remember you said
“We're just two trapped girls with a world of secrets”
And I thought
“Thank God there’s room
for two.”

So I haven't updated in a while. But I'm feeling mucho good and accomplished right now, so I figured it would be a good time.

In the past week I have:
1) Written 18 pages worth of papers (4 of which were in spanish)for the last 4 days
2) Conducted my first interview (with a priest (!) whose phone # started with 666... haha)
3) Had my first article in the paper
4) Walked 8 blocks in 7 minutes (in heels)to take pictures for the damn article
5) Visited 3 states in 6 hours
6) Saw Tina (I know I live with her, but we never cross paths)
7) Worked in Butler Library for 12 and a half hours
8) Started my first resume
9) Ate my first burrito

Boy. I know it doesn't seem like anything spectacular, but having just those papers done is like the best I've felt in a long long time. Now, I plan to relish in the free time I have from neglecting work and... apply for internships. Ok. So I'm an overachiever. But an overachiever who feels pretty good right now. :)

I miss everyone but am very excited for kimmy's spectacular birthday weekend coming up. The thought of seeing wifey makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Tee hee.

Yay no more papers. Yay life.
Goodnight.

P.S. I haven't forgotten about you Steve. Don't get your knickers in a twist. ;)

So I hate livejournal. But I promised Kim I would write in it (like actual entries... if you can imagine me doing such a thing), so we could keep track of what's going on while we're at school. I'd just like to reiterate: I hate livejournal. But I love Kim. So here goes.

Only 4 more days till I leave for school. I thought I had till Sunday, but I just can't count. Saturday has definitely always been the 3rd. I just didn't get that memo. I'm sure I'll be happy once I get to school, but I just can't get myself into it. I've had such a nice summer with my family and friends around all the time. I never really appreciated sleeping, eating, and showering until I went to college, and I'm not sure I'm ready to give that up again. Scratch that. I'm sure I'm not ready. Damn eating and sleeping for making me so happy.

I already miss my friends that left for school already. I know, I'm retarded. But I'm such a homebody that it has become sickening. I am now in the process of cramming all the people I have been putting off hanging out with all summer into my last week. Way to plan things out in advance I say. So I should be pretty busy in between all the shampoo buying and packing. Really though... who am I kidding? I'm probably going to be spending a lot of this week lamenting my departure. Being emotional is like a disease sometimes. I need to work on saving all that pussyness for when school starts.

Segueing into an "I'm sad about school poem":

I always brake for fireflies
I’m always getting into accidents
they blink
and then they disappear
(which is why you can’t trust fireflies
like you can’t trust
friends you make in high school--
just when you blink
they disappear)

I hate them.

Fireflies, I mean.
Glowing like they have some purpose
Glowing like they’re immortal
Glowing like they can light up my night sky
make me an outline of the George Washington Bridge
to serve as a backdrop for all my scenery

The only stars in the city night.

You
catch them
and kill them
jars of carcasses to
temporarily fill
the void of constellations.

Please, make me one more Orion
one more Cassiopeia
a Little Dipper
pretend I’m not
shaking your glass prison
Glow for me
for my thousand city nights
engulfed in artificial light
make me a star to wish upon
a tiny diamond in my glassy sky

Fill the inky blackness
With your little breaths

I always brake for fireflies
in case they’re running out somehow
in case I’ve killed too many
wishing, wishing
I keep hundreds in sauce jars
waiting for the day they’ll
listen
to my whispered pleas--


Glow for me
make me a star to wish upon
so I can wish

for darkness.





It's not really done yet, but I felt like sharing an unfinished product for once. Or rather, any product for once. Again, I blame this on Kim.

Adieu (until further peer pressure inspires me to write again)

1. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.
2. I will then tell what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. If you were a fruit you'd be...
4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I will tell you my first memory of you.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your journal.

(X) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
( ) made out with a member of the same sex (Only kissed... Morgan... you lip slut)
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
(X) been in love
(X) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(X) been in a fist fight
(X) snuck out of your parent's house
(X) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
( ) been arrested
(X) made out with a stranger
( ) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
(X) had a crush on a teacher
(X) skipped school
(X) slept with a co-worker (no comment)
( ) watched someone die
( ) been to canada
( ) been to mexico
(X) been on a plane
( ) thrown up in a bar
(X) purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(X) eaten sushi
( ) been snowboarding
(X) been moshing at a concert (talk about pain)
( ) been in an abusive relationship
(X) taken painkillers
(X) miss someone right now
(X) laid on your back & watched cloud shapes go by (I once saw a monkey in a bowler with a cigar)
(X) made a snow angel
(X) had a tea party
(X) flown a kite
(X) built a sand castle
(X) gone puddle jumping
(X) played dress up
(X) jumped into a pile of leaves
(X) gone sledding (oh tray sledding... such fun)
(X) cheated while playing a game
(X) been lonely
(X) fallen asleep at school
(X) used a fake ID (HA! Tried...)
(X) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
(X) touched a snake
(X) slept beneath the stars
(X) been tickled
(X) been robbed
(X) been misunderstood
(X) won a contest
(X) run a red light
( ) been suspended from school
(X) been in a car accident
(X) had braces
(X) felt like an outcast
(X) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (yes, I AM a heifer)
(X) had deja vu
(X) danced in the moonlight (I'll dance whenever, wherever)
(X) hated the way you look
(X) witnessed a crime
(X) pole danced (on the subway)
(X) questioned your heart
(X) squished barefoot through the mud
(X) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country
(X) swam in the ocean
( ) felt like dying
(X) cried yourself to sleep
( ) played cops & robbers
(X) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers (raises childish hand awkwardly...)
(X) sung karaoke
(X) paid for a meal with only coins
(X) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) made prank phone calls
(X) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) been kissed in the rain
(X) written a letter to santa claus
(X) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(X) blown bubbles (ceremonial birthday bubbles even)
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
( ) crashed a party
(X) gone rollerskating
(X) had a wish come true
( ) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
(X) kissed a mirror
(X) sang in the shower
(X) had a dream that you married someone
(X) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
(X) walked into a glass door (numerous times... I'm a slow learner haha)
(X) kissed a fish
(X) worn the opposite sex's clothes
(X) been a cheerleader (I don't like to talk about that one)
( ) sat on a roof top
(X) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(X) talked on the phone for more than 3 hours
(X) stayed up all night
( ) didn't take a shower for a week
(X) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
(X) are scared to watch scary movies alone
(X) believe in ghosts
(X) gone streaking
( ) played ding-dong-ditch
(X) played chicken
(X) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(X) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
( ) broken a bone
(X) been easily amused (um, ALWAYS)
( ) caught a fish & ate it
( ) made porn
(X) caught a butterfly
(X) laughed so hard you cried
(X) cried so hard you laughed
(X) mooned/flashed someone
(X) had someone moon/flash you
(X) cheated on a test
(X) have a britney spears CD
(X) forgotten someone's name
(X) slept naked (a lot... boy tina's in for some good times next semester...)
(X) braided someone's hair
( ) gone skinny dipping in a pool (aww... I kind of want to do that one)
( ) been kicked out of your house
(X) killed zombies last time there was a zombie apocalypse (It's true... I am a premier zombie killer. But now that you know that, I may have to kill you...)

LAST PERSON WHO....

Slept in your bed: Me
Saw you cry: Colin
Made you cry: There really is no rhyme or reason to my crying patterns
Spent the night at your house: Kimber
You shared a drink with: Um... I drank some of Tina's water yesterday
You went to the movies with: Doyle
You went to the mall with: Kimber
Yelled at you: I'm usually the one who does the yelling
Sent you an e-mail: Sr. Xavier Vila, my spanish teacher who I am in love with but is 30 years too old for me/ may possibly be gay.


HAVE YOU EVER....

Said "I love you" and meant it?: I always mean it when I say it. Always.
Gotten in a fight w/your dog/cat/bird/fish,etc.: my hamster is too cute to fight with
Been to New York?: my current place of residence
Been to Florida?: of course
California?: I've never been off the east coast
Hawaii?: No
Mexico?: No
China?: No
Canada?: No
Danced naked: I'm always naked. It would be better to ask if I've danced clothed.
Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: my dreams are way too crazy to come true
Wish you were the opposite sex?: Depending on the day... yes.
Had an imaginary friend?: Nope

RANDOM

Red or blue?: blue
Spring or fall?: Spring
Last noise you heard?: an ambulance siren
Last time you went out of the state: Well, I'm not in Jersey right now
Things you like in a girl/guy?: i have pretty high standards
Do you have a crush on someone?: define crush...
Worst feeling in the world: the texture of tofu
What is the first thing you think of when you wake in the morning?: I don't think before 12pm
Future daughter's name: fuck kids
Future son's name: ditto
If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be?: professional nap-ist
Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous?: Righty
Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?: I type with about 3 fingers on each hand and quite spastically
What's under your bed?: hot naked men
Current Age: 18
Siblings: 1 ghetto ass sister
Location: getting my education on in NYC
Piercings: one in each ear (we won't talk about the keloid fiasco...)
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: too many to count ;)


THE EXTRA STUFF...

Do you do drugs?: Crack crack crackity heroin... right back atcha Tina
Do you drink?: not usually
Who is your best friend?: Kimber, etc.
What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use?: pantene pro-v
What are you most scared of?: dead people, heights, and the ocean (fish are scary, man)
What clothes do you sleep in?: undies and a tanktop
Who is the last person who called you?: mel
Where do you want to get married?: I don't know
If you could change anything about yourself what would that be?: that whole trying to be perfect thing
Who do you really hate?: hate is such a strong word... but I have no qualms about disliking people. lots of people. haha
Favorite number: 16
Been In Love?: Yes
Are You Timely Or Always Late: usually late
Do You Have A Job: waitress, swiping cards, keeping up the slutting average
Do You Like Being Around People: if they're nice... or tina and cara out of convenience
Are you for world peace: sure

STUFF...

Want Someone You Don't Have Right Now: eh
Ever Liked a close boy/girl Friend: Who hasn't?
Are You Lonely Right Now: I am pleasantly comfortable
Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: There are other things worth worrying about.
Do You Want To Get Married: maybe
Do You Want Kids: probably not


FAVORITE...

Room In house: my room. it's peachy and girly and full of happiness
Type(s) of music: lots
Song: it's like choosing a favorite star in the heavens...
Color: purple
Perfume and/or Cologne: Victoria's Secret Love Spell
Month: May
Season: Summer


IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU....

Cried: don't think so
Bought Something: food
Gotten Sick: nuh uh
Sang: YES... loudly and poorly... the best way to do it
Said I Love You: yes
Wanted To Tell Someone You Love them: yes
Met Someone New: It's hard not to meet new people
Moved On: I dont know what I would move on from
Talked To Someone: probably too much
Had A Serious Talk: oh yeah
Missed Someone: all the time
Hugged Someone: Tina and I hugged when we got the room we wanted for next year (not cause I like her... just because the happiness was overwhelming)
Kissed Someone: Does licking someone's face count?
Fought With Your Parents: No
Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: I always dream about the people I miss
Had a lot of sleep: I don't really sleep
Had sex: HA! I wish.

Yeah so um, studying. No. Not really feeling that right now. My eye has been twitching for about 2 hours. I don't know if it is because I haven't slept in days, or because of all the coffee I drank. But it is still twitching, and I am vaguely reminded of chinese water torture. You know, the drop of water in the middle of the forehead over an over and over until... well, you get the idea.

There's something so sobering about the wee hours of the morning. The quiet is an all enveloping quiet, different from normal quiet. A richer quiet or something. The entire world is asleep and all you can do is think. Just think. It's maddeningly wonderful in a way. Things just aren't the same when you wake up in the morning, when you try to recapture your thoughts and feelings from the night before. But that's what makes it special. Night time... it's surging with unwritten poetry.

I'm still somewhat saddened by the lack of stars here. Granted, I probably love them so much because of their cutesy, romantic, "I'll love you till the stars fall" connotation, but they really are my favorite part of night. Somehow, it doesn't matter that you're alone, because everything is so beautiful. Without stars, you're just alone. No bright lights or glowing skies can compensate when you know what you are missing.

So, maybe nights aren't all that great. Maybe they just make you feel sad, or nostalgic, or lonely. But at this point, I'll take that. Just to feel something... something other than tired.

...maybe I'm just retarded. Who knows.

Either way, I have to get back to studying. And by studying, that means not reading one of the books from my ever growing self-made summer reading list. Which, of course, is what I'd rather be doing.

Good-night (and if you're nice, you'll look at a star or two for me, and send celestial vibes).

I do not carry a blade (usually). I don't really even like white people. I just hang out with them because they're very passive-aggressive. Except for Tina Curry, who created my name and journal. She is one of the white people that hold us hispanics down with her blatant racism and offensive odor. Tina, why don't you do us all a favor and:

1)stop being a jerk
2)start showering more

Thanks.